A Million Pieces
by Dmarx
Summary: With a careless slip of the tongue, she had completely shattered her partner's heart. Now it was up to her to help him glue it back together. Spoilers for 47 Seconds.


_Summary: With a careless slip of the tongue, she had completely shattered her partner's heart. Now it was up to her to help him glue it back together. Spoilers for 47 Seconds._

_Author's Note: This one is for Andy, who convinced me that I should write something based on the 47 Seconds promo. Thanks to teelduo for the lovely cover art!_

_Disclaimer: Would you guys believe me if I said I owned Castle? Yeah, didn't think so._

* * *

><p><strong>A Million Pieces<strong>

* * *

><p>"<em>I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"<em>

* * *

><p>Castle wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to slam his fist into the two-way glass, fracturing it into pieces like Kate had just done to his heart. But most of all, he just wanted the floor to open up beneath his feet and swallow him whole. Disappearing into the abyss would probably be better than enduring the pain that was already flooding his chest.<p>

The moment Kate finished the interrogation, Castle slipped unnoticed out of the observation room, made his way over to his chair to grab his jacket. Charges were being filed against the young man and there was nothing else to be done tonight. It was late and Kate would undoubtedly be heading home now, too. But he was not going to wait around. No, right now the last thing he wanted was to be anywhere near her.

And he was undoubtedly going to break down at some point, but he was sure as hell not going to allow that to happen at the precinct. He needed to leave. Now.

Castle snagged his coat, made his way to the elevator. Behind him, he heard Kate exit the interrogation room, return to her desk, but forced himself not to turn around. Only once he was in the elevator did he chance a glance in her direction. She was putting on her jacket, making her way towards the elevator as well.

"Castle, wait!" she called out, jogging to catch up with him. Ordinarily he would have smiled, extended an arm, held the door for her, but today he simply stood there, hands in his pockets, allowing the doors to seal shut in her face.

The last thing he heard as they closed was, "What the hell, Castle?"

Before the elevator even reached the lobby, his phone rang in his pocket, the sound far too loud in the enclosed space. Castle pressed 'ignore' and silenced the device before shoving it back in his pocket. She could call and text all she wanted, but he was not going to answer. Because this was not something that could be fixed with an '_I'm sorry'_ text.

The ride home was a blur of cars and pedestrians, concrete buildings and city lights, everything moving by too fast for him to focus. His brain had slowed down, was intent on only one thing: getting as far away from Kate as possible. In fact, he briefly considered turning around and heading for the Hamptons, because even if she thought to look for him there, she would not know how to find his place. The address was unlisted and the house itself was very difficult to find.

But he had a daughter and other responsibilities and, heartbroken or not, he could not shirk his duties simply because he felt like sulking.

Castle made it as far as his office before the breakdown hit. He collapsed on the floor, back against the wall, as tears overwhelmed him. He could not remember the last time he had felt this thoroughly crushed. His chest physically ached, felt like his ribs were constricting his airways, his heart.

God. She remembered. He had no idea when she had remembered, why she had opted not to tell him. But the point was that she knew. She knew he loved her and she had done nothing with that information. And, really, the only scenario his mind could conjure up as to why she had chosen that path was that she did not share his feelings.

How could he have been so stupid? So oblivious?

He thought from their conversation on the swings all those months back that he had a chance. That she reciprocated his feelings. The way she looked at him...how could she do that, allow the adoration and, dare he say it, love, to shine in her eyes, if that was not truly how she felt?

She had been faking it the whole time. And he was so hopelessly in love with her that he had fallen for it. For months.

An hour ago he had been about to pour his heart out, tell her he did not want them to miss their chance like all the victims of the bombing. And now this. It was just as well he had gotten interrupted because if he had not...

He was not sure which would have been worse...being rejected had he finished his sentence, or finding out like this.

She had known this whole time that he loved her. And she had used that knowledge to keep him around, lead him on. And now completely crush him.

Castle dropped his head into his hands, allowed the tears to flow freely. It had been years since he had cried this hard, but he supposed this was an acceptable excuse to break down completely.

Minutes, maybe hours, later, a knock at the front door echoed through the silence of the loft, rousing him from the world of self-pity into which he had descended. Castle stiffened, almost positive he knew who it was. Only one person would show up at his door at ten p.m. on a Wednesday evening. But he was not going to answer. Childish though it may be, he had no desire to see her right now, let alone have any sort of conversation with her.

He vaguely registered footsteps on the stairs, across the living room, fumbling with the lock on the front door. It must be Alexis, and though Castle had said nothing of what had happened, he hoped his daughter would take his closed office door as a sign that she should turn Beckett away.

"Detective Beckett," he heard her say in greeting, voice stiff and unwelcoming.

"Hey, Alexis. Is your dad here?"

Alexis glanced at the closed door, contemplating. Her dad almost never came home and went into his office without saying hello to her first, not unless something was upsetting him. And Kate at the door this late at night all but confirmed her suspicions.

"Yes. But I think something's going on with him."

Kate nodded sadly. "I know. I don't know what I did, but I think I upset him. And I'd appreciate it if I could talk to him and try to work it out."

Alexis hesitated but, seeing only honesty in Kate's eyes, allowed her to enter. "He's in his office."

Kate crossed the room confidently, determined to make things right again, but the moment she was faced with the closed door, she hesitated. What if he said no? What if he didn't want to see her? She had no clue what she had done to make him so upset, but she just wanted to make it better. Which would not happen if he turned her away.

Gathering up the courage, she raised a hand and rapped lightly on the door.

No answer. She knocked again. "Castle?"

"Go away."

"Castle, please?"

Silence.

She grasped the doorknob firmly, pushed open the door. The room was dark, bathed only by the light from the living room sneaking through the gaps in the bookshelves. The man in question was seated on the floor beneath the window, head on his knees, and he did not look up as she entered.

"Castle," she rushed over to him, squatted down and rested a hand on his arm.

He shrugged it off, and though her arm fell to her side, she did not move away. "Please just...leave."

"What did I do?" she asked, giving up on all attempts to ease into the subject. It was killing her, seeing him like this.

He lifted his head, glared at her through red-rimmed eyes. It was possibly the most anger she had ever seen in just one look, especially one that was directed at her. "Really?"

"I just...I don't understand. Did I say something to upset you?"

Castle snorted. "You could say that."

"Rick, please. I want to fix this, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong."

Silence fell, echoing loudly in her ears. She could not remember things between them having ever been quite this tense, this uncomfortable.

Castle sighed heavily, finally spoke, though his eyes did not meet hers. "You remembered."

"I..."

There was only one thing he could be talking about, really, but how had he found out?

Kate thought back through everything that she had said today. The only thing she and Castle had really talked about was the case. The rest of the time had been spent digging into the lives of the victims or interrogating suspects.

Oh. The interrogation.

Her admission, the words that slipped out in the midst of her anger. He must have heard her somehow.

Suddenly it dawned on her. "You were behind the glass?"

His silence was all the answer she needed.

"I didn't realize," she said softly.

"When?" he asked harshly, wanting none of her soft realizations or the apologies that were soon to follow.

Kate dropped her head in shame, knowing this was going to hurt him badly. "I never forgot."

Castle recoiled as though he had been burned, scooting away from her, wrapping his body in an even tighter ball.

"You lied."

There was really no way for her to deny that one. "Yes."

"Why?"

"I...I wasn't ready to face it."

"Face what?" Castle snapped, jerking his head up in anger. "Breaking my heart? So you decided to just string me along for a while before you did, ensure that you hurt me as much as possible."

"No, Castle, I never meant to hurt you..."

He snorted in disgust. "Well maybe you should have thought of that before you lied to my face for ten months."

"Castle, I'm sorry."

He glared at her, eyes flashing. "Yeah? Well that's not gonna cut it this time."

"Castle..."

He looked away. "Please just leave."

"Rick." She cupped his jaw, thumb tracing soft patterns on his cheek, and though he stiffened beneath her touch, he did not move away this time. "Castle please, listen to me. I wasn't going to break your heart," he rolled his eyes, clearly disbelieving, "I wasn't. I was going to tell you. But I was going to wait until...until I was strong enough to say it back."

He looked up then, eyes still wary and untrusting, and Kate hated that she had done that to him.

"I love you, Castle. I loved you then. But I wasn't ready for a relationship, wasn't ready to start anything with you. I would have screwed it up."

"You still could have told me." His tone was accusatory but less angry.

She nodded in agreement. "Yes. And in retrospect, maybe I should have. But I...I didn't want to mess everything up and lose you. But if I did anyways, if it's too late, I guess I'll just have to live with it."

When he didn't respond, she dropped her arm, stood to leave. Apparently she had missed her chance.

That realization hit her like a knife to the heart, deeper and more painful than the bullet wound. She had allowed her fears and insecurities to get in the way once again and this time it had cost her the only man she had ever truly loved.

"Kate!"

She started at his sudden outburst, the agony and desperation in his voice. She turned, met his pleading eyes.

"Stay."

"What?"

"Don't go."

"Okay."

He took a deep breath, spoke with a slightly shaking voice. "Did you...did you mean what you just said?"

She squatted back down, rested her hands on his knees. "Every word."

"You...you love me?"

Kate smiled for the first time all night, her face lighting up, eyes softening. "So much, Castle."

"I...uh...I," he stammered.

She _loved_ him.

_She_ loved _him._

Ten minutes ago he was sure that it was all over between them. Now it was only the beginning. They had a long ways to go. She had some serious fighting to do to win back his trust. But she loved him and he loved her, and that was everything.

_She loved him._

Kate had no idea what was going through his head. She could see a whirlwind of emotions flowing through his eyes, but he still had not spoken, and it was making her nervous.

"Castle, say something."

"I...I'm mad, Kate," he said eventually. "I'm really angry and I'm hurt and I hate what you did. But...I love you."

She smiled again, squeezed his knees. "I really am sorry, Castle."

"It's...it's okay."

"Really?"

He reached out, covered her hands with his own. "It...this isn't going to be easy, Kate."

"I know."

"But..." he prompted.

"But I'm ready to fight for it. For you, Castle."

He smiled then, for the first time since this afternoon. And it felt _good._

"Then yes. Things will be okay. We'll get there."

Castle straightened his legs, opened his arms to Kate. She dropped his hands, crawled into the space he had created so that she was seated on one side of him, legs thrown across both of his. He pulled her into his embrace, his warm, strong arms surrounding her.

Kate hugged him back with everything she had, clinging to his neck as though her life depended on it. She pressed her lips to the underside of his jaw, breathing him in in a way that, ten minutes ago, she thought she might never have the chance to.

He stiffened slightly at the feel of her lips, her warm breath on his neck, but gradually relaxed into her touch. His arms tightened around her and his lips came to rest on her temple.

He felt Kate take a shaky breath as the adrenaline left her body, hugged her tighter, cradling her to him. He could feel her relaxing, calming, her body becoming pliant in his arms and the feeling began to suck the tension from his body as well.

Castle was not sure what they were. He was not sure exactly how they were going to fix this mess, overcome the effects of her lie and subsequent confession. He had no idea the conversations, the obstacles that would face them in the light of day.

But they were here, and they were together, and she was fighting for him, helping put the pieces of his heart back together.

He knew they would be stronger, in the end, for surviving this.

But this was not the end.

This new chapter was just the beginning of their story.

* * *

><p><strong>THE END<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


End file.
